First of all, it's been way too long since I've written. I've been fully immersed in the business and haven't been taking time for myself to breathe and reflect. I will try to be better for myself in the future. I'm the first to admit I have a hard time prioritizing properly. My mental and physical health is usually last on my list, but I'm really trying to see the benefits that placing it first has on all my other priorities.
The last few weeks have been a blur of ups and downs. I struggled with the crushing weight of self doubt, second guessing myself, and ran all the worst case scenarios of my decisions through my head. I also experienced a great deal of joy and thankfulness to have taken the path I have in life. My new career is fulfilling in a way I never thought anything could be for me. I feel a passion and drive to grow this little business into something that makes me whole. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about every little thing, especially things I couldn't control. I still worry more than I should, but I can push down the uncontrollable worries a little easier. These days my head is constantly spinning with creative ideas which seems to leave a little less room for the worries.
I also have insurance again after my brief limbo, which means I can get back into my regular therapy routine. Last week, I had a little internal battle with myself about therapy. Part of me says, "You are healed and doing so well you don't need to keep going because you have it all figured out." Then the other part of me (the smarter part) goes, "No way in hell am I healed or cured. I could still collapse onto my face at any minute." It's harder to nudge me over to the dark and twisty, but it still happens. Somedays are sunshine and unicorns (which is still new and quite lovely), but others feel like I'm being pummeled by waves of grief and nameless sadness. It's a feeling that is difficult to describe, but I know it's my brain rebelling against me. Telling me all sorts of lies and I'm a sucker if I believe them, but I do.
I like to think of my anxiety and depression as the monster in the closet like when you were a little kid. It waits to come out at the most inopportune time making me retreat under the covers in my bed. It's invisible to others even though you can see it standing right in front of you. It haunts and terrifies you then leaves you exhausted. You never know when it is going to come so you live in constant fear.
It's impossible to know who is living with this monster in their closet, or another type of monster. When I started talking about my anxiety/depression a couple people told me they never would have guessed I was depressed. I was really good at keeping my shit together in front of people and then falling to pieces once I was alone. I knew how to create the happy life story and put on that smiling face that tells everyone how perfect my life is. While in reality I felt empty and completely hopeless. I'm trying to be really honest with myself and others now. I want to let my monster out of the closet. Yes, some people won't be able to handle it, but others will and those are truly the people I want in my life anyway.
Let's all be a little more real and a lot less judgmental. We've all got our own battles to fight and they are easier to fight with people behind you.
